Jump Your Lover

My date with CherryMan was postponed until Thursday. I was actually fine with that because I was stressing that I wasn't going to be able to use my free movie Tuesday. So I opted for the date with myself, leaving Cherry til Thursday. He's worth the wait. So am I. Man, how obnoxiously arrogant am I today? But really, I have to be. This post is about love. This post is about couples being in like and in love. It's about appropriate times and places to show affection both on and off the screen. You know what's coming, don'tcha? Here we go.

The main influence Jumper has on my life now that I've seen it is that it has added to my conspiracy confusion theory about Topher Grace and Toby Maguire. Also, Jake Jyllenhall every now and then seems like them as well. I've always thought those actors were the same exact person. Then I saw Spiderman 3 and my brain fried for a few hours as circuits popped and I had conspiracy overload. Now let's throw Hayden Christensen into the mix. If Topher Grace and Toby Maguire had a love child, you'd get Hayden Christensen. But wait--it works in other combinations. If Toby Maguire and Jake Jyllenhall had a love child....and so on and so forth. I'm waiting for Spiderman 4 to come out and have all four of them in it to send me over the edge.

Hayden Christensen makes a good jumper. The character is annoying but in a charming way. The much better jumper is the scruffy Brit played by Jamie Bell. Bell's jumper (Griffin) is better than Christensen's jumper (David) because Bell's understands great danger while Christensen's puts himself, his family, and his lifelong love crush directly in its path. Yet again proving that we should never underestimate the depths of stupidity of human beings. Not to mention, Griffin is a much cooler name than David.

So David, being in love with this girl since childhood, decides to take her on a whirlwind trip to Rome because he's been there--he's jumped the time/space continuum on some level and transported himself there on many an occasion. Only when he takes her, they go on an airplane because they aren't at that place yet where you can get comfortable and wear stained sweatpants, show off secret superpowers, and pee in front of each other. He takes her away because he loves her and is selfish. He takes her away knowing full well that there's a crazy dude following him and trying to kill him. But let's not think about that. Crazy Samuel L. Jackson stun guns me in my apartment? I'm definitely going on a carefree vacation afterwards.

I must be on some odd Diane Lane kick. I know that I said I'd marry her if our gender/sexual orientations were compatible. But in this flick, not so much. She's not likable. The character isn't likable and she's not lookin so hot. She needs a nap I think.

Michael Rooker, however, can do me any time. I've been in love with him and his bit parts since the made for tv movie, Afterburn, starring Laura Dern as a sad widow who tries to clear her husband's name after he dies in a piloting accident. I know wayyyy too much about that movie. In that movie, MR played the pilot's friend who gets it on with the widow after said pilot burns up in the atmosphere. Bow chicka bow wow. Here, he plays a really bad father. Bad bad daddy. Still, I'd do im.

So here we have unlikable parents (one of whom desperately needs a nap), a very dumb jumper who makes very bad decisions in the name of his love but doesn't think about how the girl might feel when she almost dies because of him, a kinda witty jumper, and Samuel L. Jackson who's sportin stark white hair. Makes you wonder if the producers wrote it out like this. Maybe they would've made some changes before going further.

We mustn't forget, however, that this post is about love and being a couple. Note to self: Next time seemingly cute and friendly couple asks if the empty seats next to me are taken, say yes.

These two people sat down in my row with a seat between us empty. They piled their coats on there. So far, so good. Then the movie started. Which is a cue to start talking. I couldn't hear them at first but the girl in front of them did. Then they got louder. Then, right about when the crazy-ass-white-haired SLJ was sending over 1000 volts of electricity through smarmy Jumper David, the couple next to me macks it. They started kissing. Right then. How is that romantic, prey tell? They kept doing it at the most inappropriate points of the movie. Someone dies, they kiss. Someone rams a bus off the road and into the desert, they kiss. Really, that needed to stop. When they weren't kissing, they were talking. They could have saved money and stayed home in the comfort of their living room and talked and kissed and ignored the television. But no, they came to the movies to waste time and money and annoy people. Proof, once again, of human stupidity.

Anyway, back to Jumper. After all the near misses with death and dismemberment, Millie the childhood crush decides it's a good idea to maintain a friendly relationship with David. Need I say--stupid. And without giving too much away, I am happy to report that there could very well be a sequel. Because the movie has no ending. It just kinda ends with all these loose ends. The only thing certain by the end is that pretty much everyone in the movie has shown some defining level of stupidity except for Samuel L. Jackson. He's a badass mofo. Maybe as a sequel, the producers can get Jake Jyllenhall, Topher Grace and Toby Maguire on board for another 88 minutes that will feel like three hours.